my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I can't turn off my feet"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
