Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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