Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
