Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
