It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...