I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
