if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
