I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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