Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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