someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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