I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
They took my balls.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
