im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
