dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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