my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
