So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
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I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
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Let's have sex in an apple orchard
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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