i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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