You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
