My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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