I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
