According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
