my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
