Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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