I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
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Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I have post one night stand depression
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