There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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