she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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