So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
