I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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