you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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