And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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