We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
