Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
