i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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