My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
