fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
