Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
