The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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