the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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