he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
