I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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