I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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