Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
