How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
