really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
