I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
