I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
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Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
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He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house