if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"