someone threw a dead crab at me
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
