When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
