Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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