My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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