Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
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We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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