she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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