my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
