Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
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Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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