upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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