I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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