my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
