If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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